He who does not weep, does not see.
Bokstäver, ord och meningar.
Det är vad alla andra ser.
Medans jag ser förvirrade känslor.
Nerskrivna och klottrade på ett papper.
Av en människa, en person, någon där ute i världen.
Denna någon väntar på att någon annan ska läsa det.
Läsa det den skrivit och att denna någon annan ska förstå.
Förstå dens förvirring, dens tankar och dens tvivel.
Väntan kan bli evighetslång.
Men det spelar inte någon roll.
För tillslut kanske någon förstår.
Och hoppet är det sista som överger en människa.
Åtminstonde är det vad dom säger.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Alone in the dark, because of you.
I'm sitting here
All alone
Waiting for someone
To call me home
I want them to notice
That I am not there
I need to know
That somebody cares
Out here in the dark
I'm in need of a friend
Someone that will be
With me till the end
My body is shivering
My fingers are numb
All I want is
For someone to come
I need to feel loved
My heart hurts right now
I need someone
To help me somehow
Life is so lonely
When friends seem so few
I want to be happy
But I don't know how to
I've been to depressed for so long
And lonely and scared
To be anything else
I'm still unprepared
So please help me out
Dear friend of mine
If you don't help me now
We'll run out of time.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Words can't bring me down. - False.
Känslorna blir till bokstäver, som bildar ord, som bildar meningar, som bildar en text.
Pappret som en gång var tomt och blank är nu precis allt annat än just det.
Ett snabbt tryck på delete knappen och pappret är lika blankt igen.
Tomt och blankt, en ny början och ett nytt slut.
Tänk om livet var så enkelt.
Ett knapptryck och du kan bara börja om.
Jag skriver massor men inget läggs upp.
Rädslan stoppar mig, för första gången.
Skruttiibangbang
You never know what you had until it's gone and lost forever.
My life is good.
Or no, it’s more than good, it’s great.
Nearly perfect actually.
Without you, I have learned to trust the right people.
Sadly, you were the wrong person to trust.
But “The things that don’t kill you make you stronger, right?.”
I can’t lie, I missed you, at first.
But after,
lots of tears,
lots of thoughts,
and lots of writing.
I feel so much better.
I miss the person you were before.
But I have realized one thing.
You are a new person now, and I don’t like that person.
So I don’t have anything to miss anymore.
You’re are gone, like everything that once were “we”.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Utkast: Okt. 6, 2011. - Yeah.
Men du plågar dig själv genom vardagen
Men då smärtan blir för stor.
Fäller du några tårar.
Men du torkar dom lika snabbt igen.
Inte visa dig svag, var stark.
Det var en jobbig tid, det är en jobbig tid.
- Kajsa Mohlén.
Skruttiiibangbang
Utkast: Okt. 6, 2011. - Yeah.
Men du plågar dig själv genom vardagen
Men då smärtan blir för stor.
Fäller du några tårar.
Men du torkar dom lika snabbt igen.
Inte visa dig svag, var stark.
Det var en jobbig tid, det är en jobbig tid.
- Kajsa Mohlén.
Skruttiiibangbang
I wish.
I wish I could be a child again.
Where all I had to worry about,
Were skinned knees.
And cooties from boys.
I wish I would be a child again.
Where boys ran away from girls
And no one lied.
I wish I could be a child again.
Where parents were devoted
In every part of my life.
I wish I could be a child again.
When there was recess,
And fun and games.
I want to be a child again.
I want the child meant wonder.
I want the never ending hope.
I want loyalty.
I want simplicity.
I want to be a child again.
I want my innocence back.
I want to not have to worry.
I want grades that don't matter
I want time outs to be the worse punishment.
I wish I could be a child again.
When looks didn't matter,
And when I didn't have responsibility.
I don't want to worry.
I don't want to grow up.
I just want to be a child again.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Lifes goes on.
I hate my life.
I want to die.
Now I know
That life would
Move on without me.
But that doesn't matter.
I know
That my family
Would miss me.
I know
That we don't know
What happens after death
I know
It's a permanent solution
To a temporary problem.
Those reasons don't really matter to me.
It doesn't stop my way of thinking.
Suicide still sounds appealing.
People call me a coward
For running away from my problems
And maybe they're right.
But I don't see the light anymore.
And I just want to go away.
My life doesn't seem worth living.
Because:
My family would move on.
Things might now get better.
I believe we are reborn after death.
This 'temporary' problem has lasted years.
So I don't want to live.
I want to be a coward.
I want to run from my problems.
I want to die.
But for now
I'll hang on for a little longer.
Maybe I'll find hope again.
But I can't promise
That I'll always try to stay around.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
FredagsTextSådär.
Ytan är glatt och hal.
Jag trevar med fingertopparna.
Söker en öppning.
En spricka.
Vägen tillbaka in.
I ditt hjärta.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Tystnaden.
Musiken fyller tystnaden som är tryckande runt om mig.
Tankarna smyger sig fram, ensamheten smyger sig på.
Även fast flera pratar runt mig är det tyst, läskigt tyst.
Ingen märker nått, fast det kanke inte är så lätt.
Kanske har jag byggt en för stark fasad, målat den för bra.
Ja så är det nog och så ska det förbli.
Skruttiibangbang
As she sleeps.
As she sleeps among the ruins of the castle .
Each night she falls into her sweet book of dreams and
her soul yearns to escape into the sun .
Her heart pounds as she struggles to find that place
where the demon can not find her .
She can feel the wings behind her ,
carrying her across the oceans of her soul .
She soars across the heavens , behind the stars
to an unreachable destination , found only in her dreams .
She is terrorized by the realization that she is hunted by a demon .
Trapped inside a nightmare that no living being can escape from .
Chained and bound to the beast ,
she is the prisoner of dreams .
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Summer.
Until one day.
The end of a long and warm summer was drawing near. The nature was buzzing of life and everything seemed to have a pleasantly sweet smell. The nights were lukewarm with a sun that never really disappeared in the distant horizon; it just balanced there, on the verge to night.
She often goes for walks in the forest so she could inhale every inch of summer beauty the trees and flowers allow her to take part of. Birds sing in the green ocean of tree tops and bright rays of sunlight steal their way through small gaps among the leaves, making her path full of glowing dots.
She's walking on sunshine.
Her heart is excited, but she walks slowly. Every step must be correct; everything must be perfect this day. She doesn't know why that is, nor why she feels so excited. A vague suspicion is lurking in the back of her mind, hidden behind a fog of thoughts, but she doesn't believe it is true.
But it is.
Every step takes her closer to death.
She wants to run, wants it to happen faster, wants to embrace death, but the importance of perfection is too vital. She mustn't do a single mistake; everything must be exactly as she planned it.
A satisfied smile spreads over her lips. It will finally happen – she will die. No more pain, no more misery, no more sorrow. Everything she has ever loved has been torn away from her and she has been left in an empty loneliness, isolated from emotions. But she will be together with everyone she has lost again.
The forest ends, giving room for grass, air and cliffs, way back in the distance. A smooth breeze makes the leaves whisper; wishing her good luck on her last journey. It will soon be over. Her family is already waiting for her arrival.
She walks through knee-high grass that tickles her bare legs with its rough structure; it's trying to stop her, make her change her mind and keep living. But there is nothing left for her in this life – she has to die.
Soon the grass ends and rocks spread out over the landscape in front of her like grey little goblins, worshiping the blazing sun.
She can hear the roaring of the ocean. It screams to her, wants her to sacrifice her body to its depths; she's more than willing to do that. She takes the last few steps to the edge of the rocks, standing nearly fifty meters above the longing water; it wants her, needs her. She doesn't mind that, she has no reason to resist how it screams for her flesh, how the sea wants to rip her apart, share her with all of the water drops in the ocean.
She smiles at the thought; a piece of her all over the world.
But what if she doesn't die, just becomes gravely wounded, but survives, hospitalized for the rest of her miserable life?
She shakes her head, makes those thoughts go away. She doesn't want them in her head, she doesn't want to hear them. They are just like the grass; they don't want her to die, they want her to keep on living.
But for what? What does she have to live for?
Nothing. And that is all.
There is no room for hesitation.
With her arms raised straight out from her body and her face turned to the sapphire blue sky, she takes the step over the edge, falls through the air and lets the rampaging waves swallow her body.
The water closes its jaws around her, making her disappear forever, consumed by eternity.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Finally.
I am the nightmares,
you dream at night.
I am the terror,
and all the fright.
I am the voice,
that makes you feel insane.
I am the cold,
freezing rain.
I am the whisper,
only you can hear.
I am the misery,
you'll have to bear.
I am the shadow,
in the corner of your eyes.
I am the hidden truth,
in all of your lies.
- Kajsa Mohlén
Lite för mycket i mitt huvud just nu.
Tackar gud för penna och papper.
Skruttiibangbang
Text
Flämtande lutar hon sig mot vägen, försöker få luft.
Där hjärtat satt brinner en eld, en isande, brinnande eld.
Tårarna pressar sig fram, luften försöker ta sig ner genom strupen.
Omärkligt sluter sig såret, stänger in smärtan.
Elden stillnar, blir en svidande, het klar låga.
Brinner, bränner där inne.
Som ett ljus i en skyddande lykta, ett ljus som inte längre vinden når.
Hon ser på morgonstjärnan genom tårarna.
Såhär kommer det vara.
Eld, smärta och ett skyddande hölje runt om.
Det är hon.
En lykta i natten.
Lågans väktare, är hon.
- Jag känner mig vilsen. -
Av: Kajsa Mohlén
Skruttiibangbang
Wait!.
Fler borde vara som han.
Brinn så länge du lever.
låt ingen släcka din glöd.
Brinn så vi alla kan se dig,
vägra vara levande död.
Skruttiibangbang
Allt går runt.
Tappade färgen
Deras liv var slut
Bara prasslet fanns kvar
Ingen framtid
Torra löv
Torra blad
En gång vajade de gröna i vinden
Färgstarka
Levande
Nu borta
På den svarta grenen
En ny knopp.
Skruttiibangbang
Tar karusellen aldrig slut?.
Det snurrar och snurrar.
Försöker koncentrera mig.
Men allt blir bara mer obegriplikt.
Tillslut stannar allt upp.
Jag befinner mig på en kant.
Farligt nära att falla ner i avgrunden.
Kämpar för att stå kvar och jag klarar det.
Sedan börjar det snurra igen.
Karusellen som aldrig tar slut.
Skruttiibangbang
Lurar allt och alla, alltid.
Tankarna snurrar i huvudet.
Inget är längre på rätt plats.
Har ingen aning om vad som är vad längre.
Men jag fortsätter le.
Fortsätter spela.
En felfri fasad som bara dom bästa kan se egenom.
Jag kan knappt släppa in någon längre.
Det tar för mycket energi.
Orkar inte förklara allt längre.
Sover inget på nätterna.
Huvudet gör ont hela dagarna.
Rädd att det ska bli lika som förr.
Jag orkar inte det.
Ville tro att allt faktiskt var bra nu.
Ellerhur, vem försöker jag lura?.
Skruttiibangbang
Vill bryta mig fri
Förväntningar hit och dit.
Du borde göra så, du borde gjort så.
Ni säger först till mig att jag ska välja själv.
Men när jag väl gör det blir det fel iallafall.
Hur kan ni bestämma det?.
Hur kan ni bestämma vad som är rätt och fel?.
Det här är mitt liv, jag borde kunna göra som jag vill.
Men det kan jag inte, vågar inte.
För om jag säger det jag tycker.
Kommer jag förlora er med.
Skruttiibangbang
TickTack
Alla sömnlösa nätter.
Alla tankar utan svar.
Allt som en gång varit.
Allt och Alla är borta.
Du, är ensam kvar.
Skruttiibangbang
